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04 Ekim 2022, 13:47
Chapter 6
*
SANTANA
*
*
"Is that the best you can do Santana?"
*
The choreography is hard.* I"d been on the dance team for a month.* A whole fucking month.** You would think by now it would have gotten easier.* You would have thought by now I would have been able to pick this up. Ana was an amazing dancer.* She was the kind of dancer that you didn"t think existed.* She did things with her body and contorted them in ways that I didn"t really think was possible.* I look over at her and just realize how she moves.
*
Rosa is picking up the dance moves.* She moves next to me.* It"s a contemporary routine.* It"s easy or so it should be.** Katrina is doing amazing.* Tip Toe is some nerd and is the worst dancer in the class and he"s getting it.
*
"Are you joking Santana!" Ana barks, "It"s easy.* Chasse!* Chasse!"
*
Chasse is a gliding movement across the floor.* We should follow it by a pedaled movement.* I attempt to roll up to the ball of one foot, transfer weight to the other foot and bend my knee.
*
"You call that a bent knee?"* Ana asks.
*
Portia giggles.* I shoot her a stare.* It"s a hard stare.* She stops giggling at that moment.
*
That"s when Ana shouts out, "Double Stag!"
*
A double stag was *leap with both legs in a bent position.* I attempt the Double Stag but fall busting my ass in front of everyone.* Portia laughs.* She can"t help herself.* I get up of the ground kick off my flat shoe and throw it at her head.
*
"Santana you going to do that during our premiere performance for the school?" Ana asks.
*
"She keeps fuckin laughing..."
*
"You keep falling," Portia barks back.
*
"Bitch I can out dance you any day," I spit back.
*
"No actually you can"t," Ana responds.
*
I look over at Ana.* The whole class stops dancing.* I have never been so embarrassed in my life.* Dance was my thing.* It was the one thing that came second nature to me.* Or so I thought until I started doing Ana"s impossible ass choreography.* Ana looks over at me with this hard look.* I didn"t think she liked me.* She just seemed to not really smile at me like she did the rest of the people in the class.* She didn"t give me words of encouragement like she did everyone else.* She was just a fuckin bitch.* That"s all it was.
*
"I"m a guy," I state, "These fucking tights are ridiculous.* I can"t dance in this shit."
*
"I"m a guy too," Tip Toe states.
*
I roll my eyes at Tip Toe, "No offense but you"re like 5"5".* I"m a big guy.** My dick don"t fit in these fucking tights man let alone the rest of me..."
*
"What about Prince?" Ana asks, "He"s the best dancer in the class."
*
That"s when I turn to Prince.* Yes.* Prince.* He"s joined the class.** He came in just a week ago and I think the only reason he was in the class is because he wanted to give Ana the dick.** He stands there with this cocky smile.
*
"Let me show you how it"s done," Prince states.
*
Prince hops into the air at that moment.* He nails the Double Stag on his first go round.* He does it flawlessly.* I watch as Portia and Katrina start clapping.* They might as well suck his dick at this point.* They used to act like that towards me when I joined the class until they figured out that I was the worst at picking up this modern dance routine.* Then all of a sudden in comes Prince.* He"s walking around in his fucking leotard trying to make it look gangster.* I shake my head, irritated with myself more than anything at this point.
*
"Amazing," Ana states.
*
"Just trying to impress you," Prince flashes her a smile.
*
I sigh.* I"m irritated more than anything.* Prince didn"t even seem to be into dancing.* He was good at it but this didn"t even seem like something he wanted to do.* He just comes in and fucking does it and Ana is praising him.
*
"I think I just found the solo for the dance performance," Ana states looking at Prince.
*
"I can"t do it," Prince states.
*
"What?"
*
"I can"t have people in the school seeing me do this kind of dancing," Prince responds, "I"ll do it behind the scenes.* It"s fun or whatever but I"m not going out in public and doing this.* No way."
*
"I"ll do it," I respond, "I"ll do the solo."
*
I sound desperate when I shout out like that.** Maybe a part of me is.* I want to prove myself.* I was a better dancer than I was showing off so far.* I knew that.
*
Ana shakes her head, "You"re not ready, Santana.* Rosa gets the solo..."
*
With that Ana walks away.* She doesn"t even let me argue the point. She doesn"t even care to listen to the point that I"m going to make.* She makes her choice and just walks away.* As she walks away I watch Prince and the others follow her.* They are going to change.* Prince turns towards me and he smirks a little bit.* He is more than a dick.* He hasn"t said a single word to me since he joined the class.* I remember when we first danced, I beat him in breakdancing.
*
Now I couldn"t even qualify to be his fucking understudy?
*
Really?
*
I"m steaming as I feel arms around me, "We have to go celebrate."
*
I turn and see that Rosa is standing there behind me.* Usually, by now, she was off somewhere with Katrina and Portia.* Her arms wrap around me and when I turn towards her Rosa tries to give me a kiss.
*
"I"m not in the mood."
*
"Since when is my boyfriend not in the mood to show me some affection."
*
We"d made it official two weeks ago.* I cared about Rosa.* I really did.* I know I shouldn"t be taking it out on her.* She was my girlfriend.* She was the person who supported me the most out of anyone in my life.* She"d been the perfect girlfriend too.* She"d been by my side.* She"s supported me through it all. I couldn"t ask for a better ride or die.* But right now I didn"t feel like all that mushy shit.* I was mad as all fuck.* More than being mad, I was embarrassed.* I was embarrassed that not only Prince but everyone else in the fucking class made me look like an amateur.
*
"Not in the mood when I fucking suck," I grunt.
*
She shakes her head, "At least you look sexy in your tights."
*
I know she"s trying to make me feel better.* Normally it would work.* I"d probably normally make a joke about how tights did make my dick look at least 12 inches or talk about how my muscles were popping in this outfit but I couldn"t.* I couldn"t make any of those jokes because I wasn"t there.* I was somewhere else.
*
"I got to go..."
*
I start walking away from her.* I"m pissed at her.* I"m pissed at Ana.* I"m pissed at Prince.* But most of all I"m pissed at myself.* I should have been able to do this.* I should have been able to fucking perform when I needed to perform.
*
I walk to the lockers ready to change and while I"m changing I hear someone join me.* I turn at that moment to see Mr. Harsh in his wheelchair.* He has a phone in his hand.
*
"Sandman.* That"s what they used to call you...when you danced," he states.
*
It"s random that he"s here.* I wonder if Ana had told him about my performance.* Even worse I wonder if he saw my performance.** I try not to look at him.* It"s hard talking to a guy about my inability to pick up moves when I know that he would never be able to dance again.* The others avoided Mr. Harsh.* It hasn"t been so long since he had been beaten with weapons taken to his legs by the Suwoo gang.** It was the talk of the Bottom for some time.* It"s almost as though people knew that he had succeeded and they had it out for him.
*
"It"s just a nickname."
*
"How"d you get it?" he asks me.
*
"Does it fuckin" matter?"
*
He smiles a little bit, "I"m going to pretend you responded in a respectful way.* You"re upset.* It"s understandable.* And I"m here to help.* So talk to me.* How about you just humor me.* How"d you get your nickname?"
*
"My grandma said I had the gift in my dreams.* Old Dominican ladies are really superstitious like that.* She swore up and down that growing up I could see the future in my dreams though."
*
"Do you see yourself being a great dancer?"
*
"Not anymore."
*
I"m being completely honest.* I shake my head and just look away.* It"s hard to fake the funk.** I just sit down on the bench and just stare out.* This shit probably didn"t matter anyway.* What the fuck was I going to get out of escort kocaeli (https://stpribor.com/) dancing.* A long time ago dancing meant everything to me.* A long time ago I was the Sandman.
*
"I think you will be.* I believe in you," he states.
*
What"s irritating is he didn"t even know me.* Where the fuck did he read this line of encouragement.* Was it supposed to be in some motivational movie or something?* Didn"t he understand where we were?* Didn"t he understand how low we"d fallen?
*
"I did have a dream about you though," I explain to him, "I thought it was my friend Desta at first, but it was you.* I can see that now.* You flew too close to the sun."
*
"Come again?"
*
"You came back to the Bottom.* It"s hot out here.* It"s so hot.* Your wings melted.* Now, look at you.* You can"t walk.* You can"t dance.* Why the hell would you come back out here?" I ask him, "You made it.* You made it out!* And then you come right back to the fire?"
*
I look over at him and I"m almost angry.* People wished they had achieved what Cornelius had achieved.** He got out of the hood.* He made it.* He became successful.* He should have forgotten about everyone.* He should have left everything behind. But he flew back.* He came back to the Bottom and now look what these jealous, envious motherfuckers did to his legs.* It"s almost enough to make me want to cry, but I don"t cry.* I don"t cry because you got to be hard in the Bottom.* People who cried were pussies.
*
He crosses his arms, "You know why Tip-Toe is called Tip-Toe?* He had to Tip-Toe around his foster family"s house whenever he walked.* His foster father works during the day.* If his foster father hears him walking he would beat him into a bloody pulp.* He joined the dance team because he wants to be away from the house when his father is there.** It"s easier for him to have an after-school activity to do."
*
Holy shit.
*
"I didn"t know that..." I respond.
*
He smiles, "You know why Portia and Katrina joined?* They joined because they heard there would be food served on orientation night.* I found them trying to beg the cafeteria ladies for food.* I told them to come with me.* Since then they"ve been dancing."
*
My heart is getting really heavy.
*
"You trying to make me feel like a dick man?"
*
"No.* I"m saying I came here to teach people how to dance," Corny explains, "I want to bring happiness to people who need that escape.* When they dance they forget their problems. I"ll never walk again.* I know that.* Every night I cry myself to sleep, but I"m not going anywhere.* I"m here for a reason.* You want to know why everyone is out dancing you?* It"s because they all are here for reason.* Everyone except you."
*
"I have a reason," I argue.
*
"Oh yeah?" he asks, "What is it?"
*
I stop for a moment.* He"s doing this on purpose I think.* He"s trying to make my heart heavy and it"s goddam working.* I can"t think of anything to say.* I can"t think of anything at all to say so I just get real quiet.* I just cross my arms.
*
"I don"t know...I admit."
*
"Figure it out and become the Sandman again," he tells me.
*
~
*
I can"t stop thinking about what he"s said to me.* There was somewhere I had to go.* Someone I had to go see.* I find myself digging through my phone and texting Katrina.
*
YO, YOU KNOW WHERE THAT KID DESTA STAYS NOW?
*
Two minutes later she hits me up with a confused emoji and a: WHY?
*
Katrina knew a lot of people.* She was Spanish but she looked black.* She was a little ghetto but she was also smart as hell.* Girls liked her because she wasn"t really too pretty and guys liked her because she had a lot of pretty girlfriends like Rosa or even Desta"s cousin Prissy.* She was the perfect in between.
*
JUST ASKIN...
*
I can"t say much more.* I"m hoping she doesn"t ask me much more.* Katrina had become good friends with me on the dance team but she was also good friends with Rosa.* I wondered how it would sound that I was looking for Desta.* Maybe it wouldn"t sound like anything but what if she was suspicious?* What if she told Rosa about those suspicions?
*
A few awkward seconds pass.
*
I"LL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS.
*
I don"t know what it is.* I can"t stop thinking about those words that Coach C told me back in the locker rooms.* He wanted me to remember why I was dancing.* I remember the day I spent with Desta. I"m so zoned out that I don"t even realize as I"m walking down the street the group of M83 gang members standing at the corner.
*
"YO SANTANA!"* a voice calls out.
*
I ignore them.* I"d been keeping out of trouble ever since the Harsh lady got killed a while back.* It was in the newspaper.* The cops had come up to the school asking questions.* The school was one of the last places she visited before she was shot up.* No one tipped them off. *No one helped them.* This was the Bottom after all.* What do you expect?
*
"Wassup?"
*
"You avoiding us, hermano?"
*
This is coming from Chico.* There is a group of them.* They are looking at me with this look of confusion.* I looked like them.* I talked like them.* I was their Hermano whether I wanted to be or not.* I try to play it cool.* The last thing I want to let them know is that I"m turned off by all this shit.* That doesn"t fly in the hood.
*
"Nah, bro.* I have just been busy.* I"ll catch ya"ll around though."
*
I start walking but I realize I"m surrounded.* The hall is really empty.* Real empty but two of the M83 gang members are in front of me.* Three more are behind me.* It"s Chico who puts his hand on my chest.* It"s real aggressive like.* He almost wants to push me.* I hold my ground, making sure that his little pressure doesn"t move me too much.* I can see the look in his eyes though.* This shit turned dark really quick and I"m getting antsy.
*
"You said you were going to ride with us.* You avoiding us..."
*
Had they been looking for me?* Have they been trying to corner me like this?* I can see them desperate at this moment to get attention.
*
"It"s not like.* Just been busy."
*
"Busy with what?"
*
I have two options right now.* I can sweat.* A part of me wants to sweat.* A part of me notices these people are sharks in the water.* If they smell blood they were going to attack.* I wasn"t going to give them that.* I wasn"t going to break a sweat.* I take my time to answer.* I"m not going to let them punk me.* I can"t.* Not unless I wanted to end up with a boot print on my face or maybe even worse.
*
I force a laugh, "Getting pussy...you know I got a girl now.* She can"t get enough of the dick."
*
A few of them start laughing.* I think that maybe I was off the hook.* That is until I see Chico"s face.* Chico isn"t laughing.* He"s dead serious.* The same guy who I had thought was once really friendly was looking at me like I was his goddam enemy.
*
"You join M83, it comes first," he tells me, "Before anything.* You hear me?"
*
"I got you, I got you..."
*
"Do you really?" he squints taking a step forward, "Or do you want me to teach you what happens to motherfuckers who go ghost on us?"
*
He takes a step forward.* I don"t move.* He"s in my face.* I can smell his breath.* Chico"s breath is foul.* His eyes are looking at me harshly.* He"s like a fucking bull.* He keeps playing at his waistband while he"s in front of me.* He had a gun under there.* I wasn"t stupid.* I don"t blink.* I don"t smile or grimace.* I just put on a stone face and stare back at him.* He"s looking for a reason right now.* I can tell he is.* I stop breathing.* I don"t even want to give him that.* I don"t even want to give him the opportunity to notice a gasp.
*
"Everything going OK over there?" a voice states.
*
We turn and see that it"s Coach Cornelius.* He"s talking to another faculty member and it"s clear they see what"s going on down the hall.* Coach Cornelius is in his wheelchair but he is almost fearless.* He leaves the other faculty member and makes his way over to us.
*
"Mind your fuckin business Professor X," Chico grunts at the teacher.
*
It pisses me off that he"s talking to a teacher like that let alone someone like Coach C, but Coach C being here right now is only making this worse.* He needed to leave.
*
He looks over at me, "Santana everything OK over here?** You want me to call the security guard?"
*
Chico looks kocaeli anal yapan escort (https://stpribor.com/escort/kocaeli-anal-yapan-escort-bayan) over at me, "How about it Santana.* You need help?"
*
His eyes stare over at me.* He wants to intimidate me. *He wants me to know that I was the new kid in town and that I needed to respect him.* I keep my face as stone.* I knew the rules here.* I wasn"t going to break and I definitely wasn"t going to snitch.
*
I smile a little bit, "Everything"s good.* We were just talking."
*
"See you around," Chico tells me, patting me on the shoulder, "Right?"
*
I look at him reluctantly, "Yeah.* I"ll see you around."
*
As soon as they leave Cornelius looks up at me.* His eyes bury into me in a way that makes me think that I"m in trouble.
*
"Santana..."
*
He knows.* He knows what was going on without me even telling him.* That"s the bad part.* I just shake my head though.* I wasn"t going to look like a pussy.* No way.
*
"I got to go..."
*
I had to figure this shit out.* I wanted out but maybe there was no way out.* Maybe it would have been easier to just do the gang life instead of doing the dance.* I was just confused but I did know one thing.
*
The issue with M83 was far from over.
*
~================================================= ================================================== ======================
*
DESTA
I"m in my room.* There is music playing.* Michael Jackson"s Dirty Diana.* I* keep my knees slightly bent and relaxed.* I keep my spine, neck, head on a vertical axis. *I am looking at my feet like a windshield-wiper-like oscillating my head from side to side. I begin to spin and spin.* I use my arms for momentum.* I keep feet together, turn on the balls of my feet, not heels.
*
I stop in a definite pose.
*
But lose balance and fall right when I"m about to land the spin. *Just then the door opens and Prince is standing there.
*
He walks over clearly annoyed and shuts off the music.
*
"You got a death wish?" he asks, "Tone is asleep downstairs on the couch."
*
I don"t even ask why Tone is here.** It"s normal at some points to see Tone downstairs doing dumb shit.
*
"I don"t give a fuck."
*
"If he sees you dancing he"s going to beat your ass," Prince states.
*
"Tone is not my daddy."
*
"You and I know damn well that Tone does whatever your father tells him to do," Prince explains, "And I heard your father tell him to beat your ass if he catches you doing that `ballerina" shit."
*
"Are you going to tell Tone what I was doing?* Are you going to tell my dad?"
*
Prince looks confused by the question, "Why would you ask me that shit?"
*
"Seems like everyone does what my father says."
*
Prince looks at me hard.* I can tell he"s still thinking about all the shit that happened when my mother died.* I can tell that he feels bad about everything that happened especially when he told my father that I was out dancing.* I didn"t blame him.* Prince was such a big dog at school.* But the thing about big dog"s is that usually they were raised by bigger dogs.* We all were popular at school.* We all felt like we were the shit at school, but it seemed like we were all over-compensating for the fact that at home we were nothing more than lost little pups.
*
Prince does the oddest thing at that moment.* He turns the music back on.* He puts it on really low.
*
"Be quiet, at least," he tells me, "And stop falling.* So you don"t wake him up."
*
If I knew how to stop falling, I wouldn"t be doing it.* None-the-less, I think this is Prince trying.* That"s the thing about Prince.* He tried at least.* I give him a nod.* He doesn"t return the sentiment but I know him putting the music back on was him at least making an attempt to make up for the past.* I couldn"t be too mad about that.
*
He is about to go back downstairs when there is a doorbell.
*
"You expecting someone?" I ask.
*
"Might just be Prissy.* She forgets her keys sometimes.* I"ll get it."
*
He leaves the room.* I"m about to go back to dancing but then all of a sudden I realize that I"m a bit thirsty.* By a bit thirsty I mean a lot thirsty.* I get up off the bed and head downstairs.
*
Sure enough, Tone is down there sleeping on the couch.* I walk past him and go to the fridge to get some water.* As I"m in there I realize the front door is still open.* I can"t hear the conversation.* That"s really weird because if it was Prissy out there, shit would have been done by now.
*
"Listen I don"t want no problems...I just want to talk to your cousin for a minute," a voice states.
*
I am in the hallway looking down.* I see Santana standing there.* I"ve almost forgotten how Santana looks like.* My heart is beating all fast.* Damn the guy is attractive without even trying.* I"m watching him from the doorway and I"m remembering just how handsome his face was.* Why was my heart beating so heavy seeing him here?* He was here.* For me.* Why?
*
"Get the fuck off my porch before there are problems," Prince states, "Promise me...I"m trying to save your ass right now.* You don"t want these problems."
*
Prince looks back into the house.* I duck behind the nearest wall.* Luckily he"s not looking for me.* He"s looking to see if Tone was still asleep.
*
"I"m not leaving until l see him," he states, "If that means we fight again, then that means we fight again."
*
"Desta is not here," Prince states.
*
Prince lies easily to his face without even flinching.
*
"Dammit."
*
Prince gives him a hard look, "Right. Get off my porch.* If you come here again, I"ll make sure I"m not gonna be as nice bro..."
*
With that Prince slams the door right in Santana"s face.* It"s harsh how he does it, but I know that it could have been so much worse.* I was expecting it to be so much worse.* What the fuck was Santana thinking about showing up on this side of town especially now that people were confirming that he was a member of M83?* They were a rival gang.* You didn"t just fucking do something like that.
*
I think about the fact that maybe Prince dealt with things the right way by getting rid of him.* Prince was being responsible by getting rid of him before Tone found out.* But then I start thinking.* He really seemed like he wanted to talk to me.* He really seemed like it was important.
*
So I do the only thing I can think of.
*
I sneak out the back...
*
~
*
"Yo----"
*
I catch up with Santana down the block.
*
He turns and he has this huge smile on his face, "Damn man.* I found you!"
*
"Not here."
*
There were cars roaming around this hood.* Cars that belonged to gangstas who worked for my dad.* They were gangstas who were waiting for any reason to get in my dad"s good graces.* I find myself taking him out towards an alley between two building. *I try to grab his wrist but it happens so fast that I see myself holding onto his hands.* Here I am with his hands in my hands. *It happens right in time because I see Prince coming out of the house and heading off with a few of his homies in the direction we were just standing.* We manage to miss Prince in a minor second.
*
We are pressed up against a wall in the alley.* It smells like cat piss down this back alleyway.* Then I realize not only am I holding onto Santana"s hand still but I"m actually a little too close to him.* We both look really uncomfortable when we realize it.* I quickly release his hand and he quickly takes about three good steps away from me.* I guess he doesn"t want me to get any ideas.
*
"What the hell you doing here?"
*
"Damn, no hi?* They don"t teach manners out here do they?"
*
"Santana---quit..."
*
"Ok, ok.* I came to talk to you."
*
"Talk?* Talk!* You know what my gang would do to you if they caught you in this territory?* You trying to be another statistic?"
*
"If that statistic is the finest motherfucker walking, then yeah," he grunts.
*
He"s trying to play it off.* I notice he does that a lot.* He puts on like he"s the bravest person in the world.* He"s cool and confident all the time, but I can see right through that shit.* There was something important that he was here for.* I knew it.
*
"So you going to tell me why you"re really here?" izmit yabancı escort (https://stpribor.com/escort/izmit-yabanci-escort) I ask him.
*
"I want you to come back to school."
*
"I dropped out."
*
"Why?"
*
I stare at the walls.* It"s tough talking about shit like this.* It"s tough because he wasn"t raised in my household.* I didn"t even talk to the other kids who grew up in my family about this shit.* Tone was fuckin psycho.* Prince and Prissy were both out of it their damn selves.
*
"I just did..." I tell him before grunting and shaking my head not really understanding why I"m even explaining myself, "Why do you even care?"
*
"You"re talented."
*
"The fuck that got to do with you?" I ask.
*
"I"m just looking out.* Your cousin Prince is doing it."
*
"You"re lying, Prince is not fuckin on no body"s dance team."
*
"Why would I lie?"
*
"I don"t know.* That"s the point.* I don"t know you.* I"m trying to figure out why you"re even here.* *Why do you even care?"
*
That day we hung out," he starts, "You had a passion in your eyes for this shit.* It was the first time in forever I felt that fire.* It was like you were...I don"t know...flint."
*
"What the fuck is flint?"
*
"You know the shit they start fires with?"
*
"Matches?"
*
"Nah nigga, flint."
*
"Don"t call me nigga.* You ain"t black," I tell him.
*
He grunts takes a deep breath and crosses his arms, "I"m sorry.* I"m not trying to offend you.* It"s just slang.* I"m not trying to argue with you.* I"m trying to make a point.* You got that heat.* Flint.* Matches.* Lighter.* Whatever the fuck it is. *YOU GOT IT.* And I need it around me. *That shit lit me up.* Yo, we need that passion on the dance team.* Come back to school."
*
Somewhere in this conversation, he"s taken a few steps closer to me.* The same steps he had taken to get away from me.** I stop talking.* It"s so strange how my heart melts every time he talks to me like this.* He"s getting really soft. **We"re in this alleyway and it"s so intimate.* We could be the last people in the world for all we know.* The world could be burning all around us but right now this conversation was the only thing that mattered.
*
"Ain"t nobody ever called me flint before," I state.
*
"I"m sorry about your mother," he tells me, "That darkness I"ve seen before.* I know it"s so easy to get lost in that darkness but I"ve seen light in you and damn man...that shit...that shit is SO bright.* It"s so bright it might be able to lead all of us out of this darkness."
*
"Yo, you tripping."
*
"Look in my eyes..."
*
"C`mon man."
*
"Look in my eyes.* I can see it..."
*
He lifts my face.* He does it with two fingers.* Two fingers that he gently pushes up on my chin with.* He does it until our eyes are equal to one another.* I can smell his breath up against my upper lip.* His eyes search through mine.* They gaze so hard.* It"s almost as though he can see the light that I"m talking about.* And I"m searching back in his.* And almost in that reflection, I can see something.* Just a glimmer of hope.* It"s so distant.* It might just be a street light or water reflecting off the old pipes into our eyes.* But I want to believe it"s more.
*
Maybe that"s why I reach over and put my hands on his chest.* Maybe that"s why I find myself doing something I strange.
*
I kiss him.
*
I kiss him.
*
It"s just a peck.* It"s the smallest peck ever but he doesn"t punch me.* He doesn"t wail on me.* He doesn"t hit me.* But then at the same time, he doesn"t kiss me back.* Then he takes a few steps away from me almost feeling really uncomfortable.
*
"Damn...that was amazing," I whisper under my breath.
*
I don"t even mean to say it.* It just slips out.* I feel like an idiot almost immediately when I say what I say.
*
"I got a girl man."
*
He puts emphasis on the girl part.* I can see him looking at me and I"m surprised he isn"t wiping his mouth off right at that moment.
*
" My bad," I state, "It"s just...you were saying all these nice things and...and..."
*
He lifts his hand and puts it on the top of his head, "Yo...I think you got the wrong idea..."
*
"I got to go..."
*
I"m embarrassed.
*
"Wait, what about the dance team?"
*
I don"t answer him.* I ignore him.
*
He reaches over, "Just think about it.* We can forget about what just happened.* It doesn"t have to get weird between us."
*
He hands me something.* It"s a flyer.* It"s a dance flyer. *I take the flyer and I just walk away.* I can"t be around him anymore.* I"m beyond embarrassed.
*
~
*
I get back to the house.* I pull out the flyer.* A part of me isn"t even prepared to read it, but the other part of me is just so intrigued.* They were having a performance soon.* The school"s dance team was actually performing...IN PUBLIC.* This was clearly an invitation to that.
*
"What"s that?"
*
I don"t get the opportunity to hide the paper in my hand because right at that moment it"s snatched from me.* It"s snatched by Tone.* He had it in his hand and he"s examining it.* I"m surprised the asshole can even read.
*
"Give it back."
*
"You ain"t supposed to be doing this," he tells me with a stern look.
*
"I ain"t doing shit," I respond, "It"s just an invitation to someone else"s performance."
*
"You gonna go?"
*
"Maybe."
*
He grunts, "You think you so special huh?"
*
It"s random how he says it.* Tone just looks over at me.
*
"What?"
*
"You think you"re so special.* All that goddam talent," he states, "You think I don"t know you still dancing.* You think I"m dumb, huh?* Just because I can"t do all those fancy ass dance moves.* You think you better than me?"
*
"Never said that."
*
"Didn"t have to."
*
"That"s called an assumption."
*
"I know what the fuck it is.* Smart ass.* Don"t tell me how to think.* You ain"t better than me.* I don"t get why you always got to be the special one and not me.* You know I was told to beat your ass if I found you dancing.* You knew that?"
*
"Yeah, I know.* I"m gonna fight back if you try---"
*
"You fight back and I"ll break those legs of yours like we broke that faggot."
*
Hearing Tone say that and smile was irritating, to say the least.* I"m pissed at him.
*
"That faggot was your uncle."
*
"That faggot was a faggot.* He got his legs broke and I outta break yours too."
*
I"m pissed.* Normally I wouldn"t be trying to piss Tone off.* He lived for shit like this.* He probably got off on it.* Normally I would just walk away.* Today was different though.* Hearing him talk about Corny in this way was making me more and angrier.
*
"You ain"t going to do shit," I state, "You know why.* My dad would fuck your ass up if you broke my legs."
*
"He would, wouldn"t he?"
*
"Yup."
*
Tone does a weird thing at that moment.* I watch as he just walks away.* He starts pacing back and forth in this weird fucking way.* Something I said to him was DEFINITELY getting underneath his skin.* DEFINITELY.* I can tell by how awkward he is.* I can tell by how pissed off he is.
*
He was having some sort of attack or something.
*
"Tone, you OK?"
*
He wasn"t OK.* He goes to the nearest wall and Tone is banging his head up against the wall.* He"s doing it over and over again.
*
"You were always the special one," Tone states, "I"m supposed to be the idiot.* I"m supposed to be the idiot.* I"m supposed to be the idiot."
*
"Yo...calm down.* No one called you an idiot."
*
"You wouldn"t know.* He cared about you.* He claimed you.* He never loved me.* He never loved me like you."
*
He"s banging his head harder and harder.* He"s drawing blood.* I don"t know what to do.* I"m beginning to panic.* I try to calm him down but he pushes me away.* He continues to bang his forehead up against the wall until the gash opens and blood rushes down his head!
*
"Tone tell me what you"re talking about."
*
"Don"t act like you didn"t know. Everyone fucking knows."
*
"Knows what?"
*
"Everyone knows you"re not my cousin.* You"re my brother," he says, "And Tray"s my father."
*
I stop talking.
*
My mouth gets dry.
*
"Oh shit."
*
"And I"m supposed to be the idiot."
*
*
To read the next chapter in advance go own
*
SANTANA
*
*
"Is that the best you can do Santana?"
*
The choreography is hard.* I"d been on the dance team for a month.* A whole fucking month.** You would think by now it would have gotten easier.* You would have thought by now I would have been able to pick this up. Ana was an amazing dancer.* She was the kind of dancer that you didn"t think existed.* She did things with her body and contorted them in ways that I didn"t really think was possible.* I look over at her and just realize how she moves.
*
Rosa is picking up the dance moves.* She moves next to me.* It"s a contemporary routine.* It"s easy or so it should be.** Katrina is doing amazing.* Tip Toe is some nerd and is the worst dancer in the class and he"s getting it.
*
"Are you joking Santana!" Ana barks, "It"s easy.* Chasse!* Chasse!"
*
Chasse is a gliding movement across the floor.* We should follow it by a pedaled movement.* I attempt to roll up to the ball of one foot, transfer weight to the other foot and bend my knee.
*
"You call that a bent knee?"* Ana asks.
*
Portia giggles.* I shoot her a stare.* It"s a hard stare.* She stops giggling at that moment.
*
That"s when Ana shouts out, "Double Stag!"
*
A double stag was *leap with both legs in a bent position.* I attempt the Double Stag but fall busting my ass in front of everyone.* Portia laughs.* She can"t help herself.* I get up of the ground kick off my flat shoe and throw it at her head.
*
"Santana you going to do that during our premiere performance for the school?" Ana asks.
*
"She keeps fuckin laughing..."
*
"You keep falling," Portia barks back.
*
"Bitch I can out dance you any day," I spit back.
*
"No actually you can"t," Ana responds.
*
I look over at Ana.* The whole class stops dancing.* I have never been so embarrassed in my life.* Dance was my thing.* It was the one thing that came second nature to me.* Or so I thought until I started doing Ana"s impossible ass choreography.* Ana looks over at me with this hard look.* I didn"t think she liked me.* She just seemed to not really smile at me like she did the rest of the people in the class.* She didn"t give me words of encouragement like she did everyone else.* She was just a fuckin bitch.* That"s all it was.
*
"I"m a guy," I state, "These fucking tights are ridiculous.* I can"t dance in this shit."
*
"I"m a guy too," Tip Toe states.
*
I roll my eyes at Tip Toe, "No offense but you"re like 5"5".* I"m a big guy.** My dick don"t fit in these fucking tights man let alone the rest of me..."
*
"What about Prince?" Ana asks, "He"s the best dancer in the class."
*
That"s when I turn to Prince.* Yes.* Prince.* He"s joined the class.** He came in just a week ago and I think the only reason he was in the class is because he wanted to give Ana the dick.** He stands there with this cocky smile.
*
"Let me show you how it"s done," Prince states.
*
Prince hops into the air at that moment.* He nails the Double Stag on his first go round.* He does it flawlessly.* I watch as Portia and Katrina start clapping.* They might as well suck his dick at this point.* They used to act like that towards me when I joined the class until they figured out that I was the worst at picking up this modern dance routine.* Then all of a sudden in comes Prince.* He"s walking around in his fucking leotard trying to make it look gangster.* I shake my head, irritated with myself more than anything at this point.
*
"Amazing," Ana states.
*
"Just trying to impress you," Prince flashes her a smile.
*
I sigh.* I"m irritated more than anything.* Prince didn"t even seem to be into dancing.* He was good at it but this didn"t even seem like something he wanted to do.* He just comes in and fucking does it and Ana is praising him.
*
"I think I just found the solo for the dance performance," Ana states looking at Prince.
*
"I can"t do it," Prince states.
*
"What?"
*
"I can"t have people in the school seeing me do this kind of dancing," Prince responds, "I"ll do it behind the scenes.* It"s fun or whatever but I"m not going out in public and doing this.* No way."
*
"I"ll do it," I respond, "I"ll do the solo."
*
I sound desperate when I shout out like that.** Maybe a part of me is.* I want to prove myself.* I was a better dancer than I was showing off so far.* I knew that.
*
Ana shakes her head, "You"re not ready, Santana.* Rosa gets the solo..."
*
With that Ana walks away.* She doesn"t even let me argue the point. She doesn"t even care to listen to the point that I"m going to make.* She makes her choice and just walks away.* As she walks away I watch Prince and the others follow her.* They are going to change.* Prince turns towards me and he smirks a little bit.* He is more than a dick.* He hasn"t said a single word to me since he joined the class.* I remember when we first danced, I beat him in breakdancing.
*
Now I couldn"t even qualify to be his fucking understudy?
*
Really?
*
I"m steaming as I feel arms around me, "We have to go celebrate."
*
I turn and see that Rosa is standing there behind me.* Usually, by now, she was off somewhere with Katrina and Portia.* Her arms wrap around me and when I turn towards her Rosa tries to give me a kiss.
*
"I"m not in the mood."
*
"Since when is my boyfriend not in the mood to show me some affection."
*
We"d made it official two weeks ago.* I cared about Rosa.* I really did.* I know I shouldn"t be taking it out on her.* She was my girlfriend.* She was the person who supported me the most out of anyone in my life.* She"d been the perfect girlfriend too.* She"d been by my side.* She"s supported me through it all. I couldn"t ask for a better ride or die.* But right now I didn"t feel like all that mushy shit.* I was mad as all fuck.* More than being mad, I was embarrassed.* I was embarrassed that not only Prince but everyone else in the fucking class made me look like an amateur.
*
"Not in the mood when I fucking suck," I grunt.
*
She shakes her head, "At least you look sexy in your tights."
*
I know she"s trying to make me feel better.* Normally it would work.* I"d probably normally make a joke about how tights did make my dick look at least 12 inches or talk about how my muscles were popping in this outfit but I couldn"t.* I couldn"t make any of those jokes because I wasn"t there.* I was somewhere else.
*
"I got to go..."
*
I start walking away from her.* I"m pissed at her.* I"m pissed at Ana.* I"m pissed at Prince.* But most of all I"m pissed at myself.* I should have been able to do this.* I should have been able to fucking perform when I needed to perform.
*
I walk to the lockers ready to change and while I"m changing I hear someone join me.* I turn at that moment to see Mr. Harsh in his wheelchair.* He has a phone in his hand.
*
"Sandman.* That"s what they used to call you...when you danced," he states.
*
It"s random that he"s here.* I wonder if Ana had told him about my performance.* Even worse I wonder if he saw my performance.** I try not to look at him.* It"s hard talking to a guy about my inability to pick up moves when I know that he would never be able to dance again.* The others avoided Mr. Harsh.* It hasn"t been so long since he had been beaten with weapons taken to his legs by the Suwoo gang.** It was the talk of the Bottom for some time.* It"s almost as though people knew that he had succeeded and they had it out for him.
*
"It"s just a nickname."
*
"How"d you get it?" he asks me.
*
"Does it fuckin" matter?"
*
He smiles a little bit, "I"m going to pretend you responded in a respectful way.* You"re upset.* It"s understandable.* And I"m here to help.* So talk to me.* How about you just humor me.* How"d you get your nickname?"
*
"My grandma said I had the gift in my dreams.* Old Dominican ladies are really superstitious like that.* She swore up and down that growing up I could see the future in my dreams though."
*
"Do you see yourself being a great dancer?"
*
"Not anymore."
*
I"m being completely honest.* I shake my head and just look away.* It"s hard to fake the funk.** I just sit down on the bench and just stare out.* This shit probably didn"t matter anyway.* What the fuck was I going to get out of escort kocaeli (https://stpribor.com/) dancing.* A long time ago dancing meant everything to me.* A long time ago I was the Sandman.
*
"I think you will be.* I believe in you," he states.
*
What"s irritating is he didn"t even know me.* Where the fuck did he read this line of encouragement.* Was it supposed to be in some motivational movie or something?* Didn"t he understand where we were?* Didn"t he understand how low we"d fallen?
*
"I did have a dream about you though," I explain to him, "I thought it was my friend Desta at first, but it was you.* I can see that now.* You flew too close to the sun."
*
"Come again?"
*
"You came back to the Bottom.* It"s hot out here.* It"s so hot.* Your wings melted.* Now, look at you.* You can"t walk.* You can"t dance.* Why the hell would you come back out here?" I ask him, "You made it.* You made it out!* And then you come right back to the fire?"
*
I look over at him and I"m almost angry.* People wished they had achieved what Cornelius had achieved.** He got out of the hood.* He made it.* He became successful.* He should have forgotten about everyone.* He should have left everything behind. But he flew back.* He came back to the Bottom and now look what these jealous, envious motherfuckers did to his legs.* It"s almost enough to make me want to cry, but I don"t cry.* I don"t cry because you got to be hard in the Bottom.* People who cried were pussies.
*
He crosses his arms, "You know why Tip-Toe is called Tip-Toe?* He had to Tip-Toe around his foster family"s house whenever he walked.* His foster father works during the day.* If his foster father hears him walking he would beat him into a bloody pulp.* He joined the dance team because he wants to be away from the house when his father is there.** It"s easier for him to have an after-school activity to do."
*
Holy shit.
*
"I didn"t know that..." I respond.
*
He smiles, "You know why Portia and Katrina joined?* They joined because they heard there would be food served on orientation night.* I found them trying to beg the cafeteria ladies for food.* I told them to come with me.* Since then they"ve been dancing."
*
My heart is getting really heavy.
*
"You trying to make me feel like a dick man?"
*
"No.* I"m saying I came here to teach people how to dance," Corny explains, "I want to bring happiness to people who need that escape.* When they dance they forget their problems. I"ll never walk again.* I know that.* Every night I cry myself to sleep, but I"m not going anywhere.* I"m here for a reason.* You want to know why everyone is out dancing you?* It"s because they all are here for reason.* Everyone except you."
*
"I have a reason," I argue.
*
"Oh yeah?" he asks, "What is it?"
*
I stop for a moment.* He"s doing this on purpose I think.* He"s trying to make my heart heavy and it"s goddam working.* I can"t think of anything to say.* I can"t think of anything at all to say so I just get real quiet.* I just cross my arms.
*
"I don"t know...I admit."
*
"Figure it out and become the Sandman again," he tells me.
*
~
*
I can"t stop thinking about what he"s said to me.* There was somewhere I had to go.* Someone I had to go see.* I find myself digging through my phone and texting Katrina.
*
YO, YOU KNOW WHERE THAT KID DESTA STAYS NOW?
*
Two minutes later she hits me up with a confused emoji and a: WHY?
*
Katrina knew a lot of people.* She was Spanish but she looked black.* She was a little ghetto but she was also smart as hell.* Girls liked her because she wasn"t really too pretty and guys liked her because she had a lot of pretty girlfriends like Rosa or even Desta"s cousin Prissy.* She was the perfect in between.
*
JUST ASKIN...
*
I can"t say much more.* I"m hoping she doesn"t ask me much more.* Katrina had become good friends with me on the dance team but she was also good friends with Rosa.* I wondered how it would sound that I was looking for Desta.* Maybe it wouldn"t sound like anything but what if she was suspicious?* What if she told Rosa about those suspicions?
*
A few awkward seconds pass.
*
I"LL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS.
*
I don"t know what it is.* I can"t stop thinking about those words that Coach C told me back in the locker rooms.* He wanted me to remember why I was dancing.* I remember the day I spent with Desta. I"m so zoned out that I don"t even realize as I"m walking down the street the group of M83 gang members standing at the corner.
*
"YO SANTANA!"* a voice calls out.
*
I ignore them.* I"d been keeping out of trouble ever since the Harsh lady got killed a while back.* It was in the newspaper.* The cops had come up to the school asking questions.* The school was one of the last places she visited before she was shot up.* No one tipped them off. *No one helped them.* This was the Bottom after all.* What do you expect?
*
"Wassup?"
*
"You avoiding us, hermano?"
*
This is coming from Chico.* There is a group of them.* They are looking at me with this look of confusion.* I looked like them.* I talked like them.* I was their Hermano whether I wanted to be or not.* I try to play it cool.* The last thing I want to let them know is that I"m turned off by all this shit.* That doesn"t fly in the hood.
*
"Nah, bro.* I have just been busy.* I"ll catch ya"ll around though."
*
I start walking but I realize I"m surrounded.* The hall is really empty.* Real empty but two of the M83 gang members are in front of me.* Three more are behind me.* It"s Chico who puts his hand on my chest.* It"s real aggressive like.* He almost wants to push me.* I hold my ground, making sure that his little pressure doesn"t move me too much.* I can see the look in his eyes though.* This shit turned dark really quick and I"m getting antsy.
*
"You said you were going to ride with us.* You avoiding us..."
*
Had they been looking for me?* Have they been trying to corner me like this?* I can see them desperate at this moment to get attention.
*
"It"s not like.* Just been busy."
*
"Busy with what?"
*
I have two options right now.* I can sweat.* A part of me wants to sweat.* A part of me notices these people are sharks in the water.* If they smell blood they were going to attack.* I wasn"t going to give them that.* I wasn"t going to break a sweat.* I take my time to answer.* I"m not going to let them punk me.* I can"t.* Not unless I wanted to end up with a boot print on my face or maybe even worse.
*
I force a laugh, "Getting pussy...you know I got a girl now.* She can"t get enough of the dick."
*
A few of them start laughing.* I think that maybe I was off the hook.* That is until I see Chico"s face.* Chico isn"t laughing.* He"s dead serious.* The same guy who I had thought was once really friendly was looking at me like I was his goddam enemy.
*
"You join M83, it comes first," he tells me, "Before anything.* You hear me?"
*
"I got you, I got you..."
*
"Do you really?" he squints taking a step forward, "Or do you want me to teach you what happens to motherfuckers who go ghost on us?"
*
He takes a step forward.* I don"t move.* He"s in my face.* I can smell his breath.* Chico"s breath is foul.* His eyes are looking at me harshly.* He"s like a fucking bull.* He keeps playing at his waistband while he"s in front of me.* He had a gun under there.* I wasn"t stupid.* I don"t blink.* I don"t smile or grimace.* I just put on a stone face and stare back at him.* He"s looking for a reason right now.* I can tell he is.* I stop breathing.* I don"t even want to give him that.* I don"t even want to give him the opportunity to notice a gasp.
*
"Everything going OK over there?" a voice states.
*
We turn and see that it"s Coach Cornelius.* He"s talking to another faculty member and it"s clear they see what"s going on down the hall.* Coach Cornelius is in his wheelchair but he is almost fearless.* He leaves the other faculty member and makes his way over to us.
*
"Mind your fuckin business Professor X," Chico grunts at the teacher.
*
It pisses me off that he"s talking to a teacher like that let alone someone like Coach C, but Coach C being here right now is only making this worse.* He needed to leave.
*
He looks over at me, "Santana everything OK over here?** You want me to call the security guard?"
*
Chico looks kocaeli anal yapan escort (https://stpribor.com/escort/kocaeli-anal-yapan-escort-bayan) over at me, "How about it Santana.* You need help?"
*
His eyes stare over at me.* He wants to intimidate me. *He wants me to know that I was the new kid in town and that I needed to respect him.* I keep my face as stone.* I knew the rules here.* I wasn"t going to break and I definitely wasn"t going to snitch.
*
I smile a little bit, "Everything"s good.* We were just talking."
*
"See you around," Chico tells me, patting me on the shoulder, "Right?"
*
I look at him reluctantly, "Yeah.* I"ll see you around."
*
As soon as they leave Cornelius looks up at me.* His eyes bury into me in a way that makes me think that I"m in trouble.
*
"Santana..."
*
He knows.* He knows what was going on without me even telling him.* That"s the bad part.* I just shake my head though.* I wasn"t going to look like a pussy.* No way.
*
"I got to go..."
*
I had to figure this shit out.* I wanted out but maybe there was no way out.* Maybe it would have been easier to just do the gang life instead of doing the dance.* I was just confused but I did know one thing.
*
The issue with M83 was far from over.
*
~================================================= ================================================== ======================
*
DESTA
I"m in my room.* There is music playing.* Michael Jackson"s Dirty Diana.* I* keep my knees slightly bent and relaxed.* I keep my spine, neck, head on a vertical axis. *I am looking at my feet like a windshield-wiper-like oscillating my head from side to side. I begin to spin and spin.* I use my arms for momentum.* I keep feet together, turn on the balls of my feet, not heels.
*
I stop in a definite pose.
*
But lose balance and fall right when I"m about to land the spin. *Just then the door opens and Prince is standing there.
*
He walks over clearly annoyed and shuts off the music.
*
"You got a death wish?" he asks, "Tone is asleep downstairs on the couch."
*
I don"t even ask why Tone is here.** It"s normal at some points to see Tone downstairs doing dumb shit.
*
"I don"t give a fuck."
*
"If he sees you dancing he"s going to beat your ass," Prince states.
*
"Tone is not my daddy."
*
"You and I know damn well that Tone does whatever your father tells him to do," Prince explains, "And I heard your father tell him to beat your ass if he catches you doing that `ballerina" shit."
*
"Are you going to tell Tone what I was doing?* Are you going to tell my dad?"
*
Prince looks confused by the question, "Why would you ask me that shit?"
*
"Seems like everyone does what my father says."
*
Prince looks at me hard.* I can tell he"s still thinking about all the shit that happened when my mother died.* I can tell that he feels bad about everything that happened especially when he told my father that I was out dancing.* I didn"t blame him.* Prince was such a big dog at school.* But the thing about big dog"s is that usually they were raised by bigger dogs.* We all were popular at school.* We all felt like we were the shit at school, but it seemed like we were all over-compensating for the fact that at home we were nothing more than lost little pups.
*
Prince does the oddest thing at that moment.* He turns the music back on.* He puts it on really low.
*
"Be quiet, at least," he tells me, "And stop falling.* So you don"t wake him up."
*
If I knew how to stop falling, I wouldn"t be doing it.* None-the-less, I think this is Prince trying.* That"s the thing about Prince.* He tried at least.* I give him a nod.* He doesn"t return the sentiment but I know him putting the music back on was him at least making an attempt to make up for the past.* I couldn"t be too mad about that.
*
He is about to go back downstairs when there is a doorbell.
*
"You expecting someone?" I ask.
*
"Might just be Prissy.* She forgets her keys sometimes.* I"ll get it."
*
He leaves the room.* I"m about to go back to dancing but then all of a sudden I realize that I"m a bit thirsty.* By a bit thirsty I mean a lot thirsty.* I get up off the bed and head downstairs.
*
Sure enough, Tone is down there sleeping on the couch.* I walk past him and go to the fridge to get some water.* As I"m in there I realize the front door is still open.* I can"t hear the conversation.* That"s really weird because if it was Prissy out there, shit would have been done by now.
*
"Listen I don"t want no problems...I just want to talk to your cousin for a minute," a voice states.
*
I am in the hallway looking down.* I see Santana standing there.* I"ve almost forgotten how Santana looks like.* My heart is beating all fast.* Damn the guy is attractive without even trying.* I"m watching him from the doorway and I"m remembering just how handsome his face was.* Why was my heart beating so heavy seeing him here?* He was here.* For me.* Why?
*
"Get the fuck off my porch before there are problems," Prince states, "Promise me...I"m trying to save your ass right now.* You don"t want these problems."
*
Prince looks back into the house.* I duck behind the nearest wall.* Luckily he"s not looking for me.* He"s looking to see if Tone was still asleep.
*
"I"m not leaving until l see him," he states, "If that means we fight again, then that means we fight again."
*
"Desta is not here," Prince states.
*
Prince lies easily to his face without even flinching.
*
"Dammit."
*
Prince gives him a hard look, "Right. Get off my porch.* If you come here again, I"ll make sure I"m not gonna be as nice bro..."
*
With that Prince slams the door right in Santana"s face.* It"s harsh how he does it, but I know that it could have been so much worse.* I was expecting it to be so much worse.* What the fuck was Santana thinking about showing up on this side of town especially now that people were confirming that he was a member of M83?* They were a rival gang.* You didn"t just fucking do something like that.
*
I think about the fact that maybe Prince dealt with things the right way by getting rid of him.* Prince was being responsible by getting rid of him before Tone found out.* But then I start thinking.* He really seemed like he wanted to talk to me.* He really seemed like it was important.
*
So I do the only thing I can think of.
*
I sneak out the back...
*
~
*
"Yo----"
*
I catch up with Santana down the block.
*
He turns and he has this huge smile on his face, "Damn man.* I found you!"
*
"Not here."
*
There were cars roaming around this hood.* Cars that belonged to gangstas who worked for my dad.* They were gangstas who were waiting for any reason to get in my dad"s good graces.* I find myself taking him out towards an alley between two building. *I try to grab his wrist but it happens so fast that I see myself holding onto his hands.* Here I am with his hands in my hands. *It happens right in time because I see Prince coming out of the house and heading off with a few of his homies in the direction we were just standing.* We manage to miss Prince in a minor second.
*
We are pressed up against a wall in the alley.* It smells like cat piss down this back alleyway.* Then I realize not only am I holding onto Santana"s hand still but I"m actually a little too close to him.* We both look really uncomfortable when we realize it.* I quickly release his hand and he quickly takes about three good steps away from me.* I guess he doesn"t want me to get any ideas.
*
"What the hell you doing here?"
*
"Damn, no hi?* They don"t teach manners out here do they?"
*
"Santana---quit..."
*
"Ok, ok.* I came to talk to you."
*
"Talk?* Talk!* You know what my gang would do to you if they caught you in this territory?* You trying to be another statistic?"
*
"If that statistic is the finest motherfucker walking, then yeah," he grunts.
*
He"s trying to play it off.* I notice he does that a lot.* He puts on like he"s the bravest person in the world.* He"s cool and confident all the time, but I can see right through that shit.* There was something important that he was here for.* I knew it.
*
"So you going to tell me why you"re really here?" izmit yabancı escort (https://stpribor.com/escort/izmit-yabanci-escort) I ask him.
*
"I want you to come back to school."
*
"I dropped out."
*
"Why?"
*
I stare at the walls.* It"s tough talking about shit like this.* It"s tough because he wasn"t raised in my household.* I didn"t even talk to the other kids who grew up in my family about this shit.* Tone was fuckin psycho.* Prince and Prissy were both out of it their damn selves.
*
"I just did..." I tell him before grunting and shaking my head not really understanding why I"m even explaining myself, "Why do you even care?"
*
"You"re talented."
*
"The fuck that got to do with you?" I ask.
*
"I"m just looking out.* Your cousin Prince is doing it."
*
"You"re lying, Prince is not fuckin on no body"s dance team."
*
"Why would I lie?"
*
"I don"t know.* That"s the point.* I don"t know you.* I"m trying to figure out why you"re even here.* *Why do you even care?"
*
That day we hung out," he starts, "You had a passion in your eyes for this shit.* It was the first time in forever I felt that fire.* It was like you were...I don"t know...flint."
*
"What the fuck is flint?"
*
"You know the shit they start fires with?"
*
"Matches?"
*
"Nah nigga, flint."
*
"Don"t call me nigga.* You ain"t black," I tell him.
*
He grunts takes a deep breath and crosses his arms, "I"m sorry.* I"m not trying to offend you.* It"s just slang.* I"m not trying to argue with you.* I"m trying to make a point.* You got that heat.* Flint.* Matches.* Lighter.* Whatever the fuck it is. *YOU GOT IT.* And I need it around me. *That shit lit me up.* Yo, we need that passion on the dance team.* Come back to school."
*
Somewhere in this conversation, he"s taken a few steps closer to me.* The same steps he had taken to get away from me.** I stop talking.* It"s so strange how my heart melts every time he talks to me like this.* He"s getting really soft. **We"re in this alleyway and it"s so intimate.* We could be the last people in the world for all we know.* The world could be burning all around us but right now this conversation was the only thing that mattered.
*
"Ain"t nobody ever called me flint before," I state.
*
"I"m sorry about your mother," he tells me, "That darkness I"ve seen before.* I know it"s so easy to get lost in that darkness but I"ve seen light in you and damn man...that shit...that shit is SO bright.* It"s so bright it might be able to lead all of us out of this darkness."
*
"Yo, you tripping."
*
"Look in my eyes..."
*
"C`mon man."
*
"Look in my eyes.* I can see it..."
*
He lifts my face.* He does it with two fingers.* Two fingers that he gently pushes up on my chin with.* He does it until our eyes are equal to one another.* I can smell his breath up against my upper lip.* His eyes search through mine.* They gaze so hard.* It"s almost as though he can see the light that I"m talking about.* And I"m searching back in his.* And almost in that reflection, I can see something.* Just a glimmer of hope.* It"s so distant.* It might just be a street light or water reflecting off the old pipes into our eyes.* But I want to believe it"s more.
*
Maybe that"s why I reach over and put my hands on his chest.* Maybe that"s why I find myself doing something I strange.
*
I kiss him.
*
I kiss him.
*
It"s just a peck.* It"s the smallest peck ever but he doesn"t punch me.* He doesn"t wail on me.* He doesn"t hit me.* But then at the same time, he doesn"t kiss me back.* Then he takes a few steps away from me almost feeling really uncomfortable.
*
"Damn...that was amazing," I whisper under my breath.
*
I don"t even mean to say it.* It just slips out.* I feel like an idiot almost immediately when I say what I say.
*
"I got a girl man."
*
He puts emphasis on the girl part.* I can see him looking at me and I"m surprised he isn"t wiping his mouth off right at that moment.
*
" My bad," I state, "It"s just...you were saying all these nice things and...and..."
*
He lifts his hand and puts it on the top of his head, "Yo...I think you got the wrong idea..."
*
"I got to go..."
*
I"m embarrassed.
*
"Wait, what about the dance team?"
*
I don"t answer him.* I ignore him.
*
He reaches over, "Just think about it.* We can forget about what just happened.* It doesn"t have to get weird between us."
*
He hands me something.* It"s a flyer.* It"s a dance flyer. *I take the flyer and I just walk away.* I can"t be around him anymore.* I"m beyond embarrassed.
*
~
*
I get back to the house.* I pull out the flyer.* A part of me isn"t even prepared to read it, but the other part of me is just so intrigued.* They were having a performance soon.* The school"s dance team was actually performing...IN PUBLIC.* This was clearly an invitation to that.
*
"What"s that?"
*
I don"t get the opportunity to hide the paper in my hand because right at that moment it"s snatched from me.* It"s snatched by Tone.* He had it in his hand and he"s examining it.* I"m surprised the asshole can even read.
*
"Give it back."
*
"You ain"t supposed to be doing this," he tells me with a stern look.
*
"I ain"t doing shit," I respond, "It"s just an invitation to someone else"s performance."
*
"You gonna go?"
*
"Maybe."
*
He grunts, "You think you so special huh?"
*
It"s random how he says it.* Tone just looks over at me.
*
"What?"
*
"You think you"re so special.* All that goddam talent," he states, "You think I don"t know you still dancing.* You think I"m dumb, huh?* Just because I can"t do all those fancy ass dance moves.* You think you better than me?"
*
"Never said that."
*
"Didn"t have to."
*
"That"s called an assumption."
*
"I know what the fuck it is.* Smart ass.* Don"t tell me how to think.* You ain"t better than me.* I don"t get why you always got to be the special one and not me.* You know I was told to beat your ass if I found you dancing.* You knew that?"
*
"Yeah, I know.* I"m gonna fight back if you try---"
*
"You fight back and I"ll break those legs of yours like we broke that faggot."
*
Hearing Tone say that and smile was irritating, to say the least.* I"m pissed at him.
*
"That faggot was your uncle."
*
"That faggot was a faggot.* He got his legs broke and I outta break yours too."
*
I"m pissed.* Normally I wouldn"t be trying to piss Tone off.* He lived for shit like this.* He probably got off on it.* Normally I would just walk away.* Today was different though.* Hearing him talk about Corny in this way was making me more and angrier.
*
"You ain"t going to do shit," I state, "You know why.* My dad would fuck your ass up if you broke my legs."
*
"He would, wouldn"t he?"
*
"Yup."
*
Tone does a weird thing at that moment.* I watch as he just walks away.* He starts pacing back and forth in this weird fucking way.* Something I said to him was DEFINITELY getting underneath his skin.* DEFINITELY.* I can tell by how awkward he is.* I can tell by how pissed off he is.
*
He was having some sort of attack or something.
*
"Tone, you OK?"
*
He wasn"t OK.* He goes to the nearest wall and Tone is banging his head up against the wall.* He"s doing it over and over again.
*
"You were always the special one," Tone states, "I"m supposed to be the idiot.* I"m supposed to be the idiot.* I"m supposed to be the idiot."
*
"Yo...calm down.* No one called you an idiot."
*
"You wouldn"t know.* He cared about you.* He claimed you.* He never loved me.* He never loved me like you."
*
He"s banging his head harder and harder.* He"s drawing blood.* I don"t know what to do.* I"m beginning to panic.* I try to calm him down but he pushes me away.* He continues to bang his forehead up against the wall until the gash opens and blood rushes down his head!
*
"Tone tell me what you"re talking about."
*
"Don"t act like you didn"t know. Everyone fucking knows."
*
"Knows what?"
*
"Everyone knows you"re not my cousin.* You"re my brother," he says, "And Tray"s my father."
*
I stop talking.
*
My mouth gets dry.
*
"Oh shit."
*
"And I"m supposed to be the idiot."
*
*
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